What's all this buzz about Jews?

An Amazing Breed!

Even at 2 Years Old Baby Mendel knows the difference between a Rolex and a Seiko!
Even at the age of 2, Baby Mendel knows the difference
between a Seiko and a Rolex!
My mother wasn't Jewish, so even though my Romanian Father was as Jewish as you can get, under Jewish law, you are what your Mother is. Consequently, I had very little Jewish education in my youth, and the only things I knew about Jews were that they were always the smartest kids in school, they always lived in the prettiest apartment houses, and their parents had a nice car. Now, however, I consider myself as Jewish as they come. Somewhere in my teens I learned that a lot of people didn't like Jews. I got the beating of my life from an Irish kid on my block named Russell Creet! The beating was because I was a "Christ Killer," whatever that was! I was in my early twenties, and working for the Electrolux Vacuum cleaner company when I learned from my Sales Manager, Mel Hammer (also Jewish), that I shouldn't try to sell Electroluxes to Jewish people because they were smart ass, cheap bastards. Contrary to what he said, I became Electrolux's most celebrated Salesperson, and my sales book read like a Who's Jew in New York! All Jewish women are clean freaks... So consequently, any appliance that does a better job of cleaning, a Jewish woman will buy!

Since then, I've had an adequate opportunity to observe a great deal of Jewish people at very close range. My industry is chuck full of Jewish people and my life in Beverly Hills put me in touch with many Jewish "Movers and Shakers" in the entertainment industry. Let me tell you, they are a hell of a bunch!

I try not to be overly chauvinistic, but all of the facts point to the Jews being overly endowed with taste, common sense, a purposeful social conscience, and extraordinary, good husbands and family people. As a matter of fact, I suspect that, "heaven forbid" the Jews in America were removed, they would be sorely missed! I wouldn't want to be the owner of a Mercedes Benz dealership if there were no Jews around. Would you? And if you think TV is a great wasteland now, wow, you don't know what a wasteland is! What would happen in Medicine? Wouldn't we all miss Ted Koppel, Barbara Streisand, and Jerry Seinfeld?

Baby Mendel and Our Rabbi at Capetown's Atlanta Headquarters
Baby Mendel and our Rabbi at
Capetown's Atlanta Headquarters
My first experience with a Muslim was quite unpleasant.  I learned more about Jews during a very misguided attempt to tame "the Minister" Farrakhan (a proponent of the Black Muslim Movement)! I was trying to effect a rapprochement between the minister and a group of Jews that he had angered with his incendiary remarks. During that time I enlisted the help of several people very prominent in New York jewelry. The Minister seemed to need acceptance in New York. One of the Head Rabbis in the New York City Hasidic movement gave me the dubious "Vell', let's see how sincere this guy is, I'm very, very skeptical." It happens that shortly after an interview with Dr. Benjamin Chavez, who had recently left the NAACP under a cloud involving sexual harassment and payola with the associations funds, reported the meeting between him and Rabbi Citric to be 150% successful, and was anxious to prove the Ministers sincerity.

Well, the Minister had his chance that very weekend! Sunday, on Meet the Press (a TV Program), the Minister was queried by the New York liberal press regarding his feelings about Jews. The Minister's reply was, I quote "Isn't it strange", he recanted on national TV, "That with so few Jews in the World, their presence in Business, The Arts, and Politics, is so overwhelming. Why is this? Why is it that there is some Jew making money behind everyone of our great Athletes and Performers?" Has anyone heard from the Minister since September 11th?

This made me realize that Jews were victims of their own intelligence and abilities! They simply can do things that Non-Jews can't do. Too Bad!!! Just because we are smarter, more imaginative, and willing to work hard at it, of course we're more rewarded than the goyim shleppers!

Rose Marcus (my wife) holding the adorable Baby Mendel
My wife, Rose Marcus, holding the
adorable Baby Mendel
I've spent the last 35 years of my life selling upscale items to members of the Jewish race and despite Mr. Hammer's warning, I find them very easy to sell things to. You have to be very honest and well informed about what you are selling. You have to be aware that their Jewish angst causes them to ask a lot of questions (which at times can be annoying.) Bright people always have a lot of questions. I'm at the point now where I may be becoming a racist myself! It's a great pleasure to me to engage in a discourse with a Jewish client. There seems to exist some kind of a spiritual connection between Jews, be they Russian, Spanish, or African American. The next on my hierarchy of pleasurable conversations is people from New York, Beverly Hills (of course), and African Americans have an earthy sincerity that I find refreshing. And of course, I can't forget the Italians! Italians are tasteful, earthy, humorous, and honest! This describes the girl I married (the 6th one) to a "T".

Now, Jewish women have characteristics that can drive you up a wall! They are VERY, VERY, VERY, PICKY, PICKY, PICKY, PICKY!!! The most virulent type come from New York. To make a successful sale you must determine exactly what this woman wants, and be able to deliver. Otherwise, you're dead meat! Leona Helmsley was the Jewish Queen of Mean!

I've tried to make this dissertation as honest as I could. I am a stout defender of the faith and, as most Jews I know, I am incredibly generous and charitable. Most Jewish people are so successful, that it almost gives truth to the old clich? that regards them as the chosen people! I'll think about that tonight, as I Rolls Royce home to my beautiful house and family. And for all of you Jews out there: I LOOOOOOVVVVEEEEE each and every one of you!

I'm sure this little diatribe will be met with some severe criticism. So be it! If anyone has any sincere and logical additions that they would like to make, I would be more than happy to read them. Please email them to me at carl@capetowndiamond.com.

It has been a year since I dashed out the above.   I did get some hate mail because of it, but mostly from Jews.  They just don't want to believe that they're different.  It's just really strange because America is predicated on diversity.  There are racial characteristics that are salient in all strains of humans.  There certainly is a lot to be proud of if you can claim to be Jewish.  Oh, sure, we have our bad ones: Ivan Boesky, Abe Fortis.  But then, when you balance it out with Jonas Salk, Albert Einstein, and Carl Marcus, and of course, Elizabeth Taylor, all in all, we're a desirable bunch.  Okay, so we don't pay retail.  Remember the old Jewish adage: "Money isn't everything, health is 10%"

Carl Marcus

P.S. Just when I thought I was finished extolling the accomplishments of American Jews, I turned on CNN to find that the new Freedom Tower, the soon to be world's largest building, was designed by a Jew.  This is getting embarrassing.

Best Regards,

The Chairman.

Dear friend-

I hope that some of our philosophy and hints for living are a help to you in your daily life. If not, I at least hope that you found some amusing, and were not bored. We have gotten enough calls, and letters to validate these passages. If you have read enough and are ready to move on, that is ok. Get your checkbook and click here to visit our main menu. Hopefully by now you have realized that we are a different kind of company.

My very best regards,

Carl Kenneth Marcus

PS. Remember, proper nutrition, get plenty of sleep, exercise, drink lots of water, and spend some money on yourself! Remember, life is not a dress rehearsal. Shalom.