Thinking of buying a motorcycle to salve a mid-life crisis? Think again.

When I think of Harleys, the first thing that comes to my mind is "Macho Crotcho". I think Preparation H is a major stockholder in Harley Davidson. If you want to relive your lost youth, buy an erector set, not some snorting, petulant machine that, in a heartbeat, could leave you paralyzed forever or turn you into an instant Quasimodo.

Now to squash the myth that motorcycles are romantic and an easy way to get young girls. There are very few hard-bodies that will feel like sex after an hour or so on the back of a Harley. Not to mention that most decent women are scared to death of them.

Somewhere along the line, some great marketing maven spewed out the myth that the average owner of a Harley was a white professional (the black people are too smart for that crap). The reality is that in a year of visiting shows and rallies, I found most of them to be a bunch of very boring schmucks.

It may be that they're not as stupid as I think they are, but motorcycles are bad for your hearing. The continual noise contributes to high-tone hearing loss. So maybe they're not stupid, it's just that they don't hear what I 'm saying. I guess if you're wearing earrings or have a tattoo, a Harley is the place to be.

Rather than spend thousands of dollars for a snorting, vibrating, dangerous bucket of bolts, call up Crystal Harmony, and take a 6-month tour around the world. It will be good for your health, and outside of getting popped by a jealous husband, all in all, a much better way to blow a few grand.

Don't be seduced by the myth, remember, "Macho Crotcho".

Dear friend-

I hope that some of our philosophy and hints for living are a help to you in your daily life. If not, I at least hope that you found some amusing, and were not bored. We have gotten enough calls, and letters to validate these passages. If you have read enough and are ready to move on, that is ok. Get your checkbook and click here to visit our main menu. Hopefully by now you have realized that we are a different kind of company.

My very best regards,

Carl Kenneth Marcus

PS. Remember: proper nutrition, get plenty of sleep, exercise, drink lots of water, and spend some money on yourself! Life is not a dress rehearsal. Shalom.