Marriage... It is a real crapshoot!
Early last year, when my son Jonathan announced to me that he was thinking about getting married, I thought that it would be helpful if I made him aware of some of the responsibilities involved in marriage, and other unpleasantries to ponder. Being Jewish, we, of course, talked finances first. I asked him, "who is going to pay for that?" Then we talked about living quarters. A decent apartment with utilities is at least $1,000 a month. Then we have dining, entertainment, clothing, health, life and auto insurance, and not to mention the potential price of raising and educating future children. I told Jonathan that before marriage, THINGS ARE AS GOOD AS THEY WILL EVER GET! Marriage makes things worse. The old adage, familiarity breeds contempt is a truism - count on it!

Since the inception of this website, three or four people have cancelled their wedding plans because they did not pass the Marriage Test. Most Men and Women are not happily married.

Most men are probably NOT happily married. Unfortunately, love fades. Each one of us humans has about 12 billion brain cells, and thusly it is very hard to keep in tune with a partner. I don't mean to damn the entire state of marriage, but like affirmative action, it is the offshoot of a noble idea, and in more cases than not, it just doesn't work. Most men that I have met, when they get to this point, are burdened with kids, property settlements, cash disbursements, and just bite their tongue and go on living out their life in quiet desperation. I base this conclusion on the fact that I have been married several times and I have queried many of my married close friends. Prima facie evidence that the sexes never seem to meet on an even keel is the fact that most of the New York Times best sellers generally contain primers for losing weight or surviving marriage, now they're even blaming Venus for it. Every now and then, there is the marriage made in heaven. Before committing yourself, try to look at this realistically. Write down what you really have in common. What would you like to change about her, either physically or intellectually? Think about how long a lifetime really is. Remember this could be the most expensive, miserable decision you'll ever make, or the best decision you'll ever make. Think about it guys and gals, think about it. I have a sneaking suspicion that if we chose 100 married people at random, and forced them to tell us the truth about how happily married they were, more than half would express serious misgivings.

The problem with relationships is that someone always has the last say. It is the duty of a Catholic wife to see to her husband's needs, whether she likes it or not. Those who won't will experience eternal damnation. In the jewelry business there are many partnerships. The subservient one is always glum. My son and my wife continually think that they know best, and I continually think that they are full of crap. Where does the buck stop? It stopped with Harry Truman, but where does it stop now? There is a mate for all of us out there, even if you are a control freak! You'll find some skinny, pale masochist that will enjoy your brow beating. Like my friend in the used car business says, "There is a seat for every ass." If you would all believe in genetics, you will quickly discover that exceptional human males are more feral than most. Their DNA forces them to have sex more frequently. That's nature's way of maintaining the gene pool. Does this mean that you should only marry an impotent schmuck that plays the saxophone? No, just email Hillary for instructions.

Let me quote Oscar Wilde, "If you enjoy being in love, do not ever think of marriage. 'Nuff said." I think a good reason for being married is to share the trials and tribulations that are inherent to living on Earth. This world can be a cold, rotten place. After having had a stroke that left me helpless in a wheel chair for months on end, my wife never wavered with her loyalty to me. I think it was more of a catastrophe for her than for myself. Situations like mine certainly become life altering for almost everybody around me. Simple things, like going to the movies required schlepping that wheel chair to the theatre. Taking me by plane to a series of what seems like endless conventions (the poor thing running with a wheel chair to the gates, and my son taking me for showers and the bathroom) was a life altering experience for them.. He virtually gave up his social life to help me the first couple of months. Thank God for me, my wife took her vows, "through sickness and health", literately. I don't know how many marriages are devastated when a calamity like this strikes. Defining a proper marriage takes some very objective thinking. What are you expecting? What is she expecting of you? Serious differences that you have before marriage will not just go away. Don't for a minute believe that bullshit about how "Love will find a way". Before you're married, your relationship will be as good as it ever gets.

Assuming I am right that your marriage does not produce a state of extreme bliss after entered into, it deserves the most intense pondering. I meet so many young men who spend too much time wondering what engagement ring to buy, and girls wondering what to wear, and which the floral arrangement should be for each table, and not spending enough time considering if this project is worth gambling their life on. Bear in mind mister, if you want children, and you need specialized attention and stroking from your mate, once a woman has a child, instinctually, she will favor the child above all else, including you. Is your ego strong enough to handle this, or does your wife have enough reserve of attention for the both of you. It doesn't have to be a child either. My wife has a thing for our dogs. She never showers the attention on me that she does on the dogs. Poring through data from the national census, it appears that the death rate and the divorce rate per thousand people in this country are running neck and neck. There are no statistics for how many people are happily married, but my guess would be that the happiest are the ones that are already dead!

Some tests to determine if your marriage has the chance to work include: if there are more than one or two things you would like to change about your mate, you are already in deep doo-doo. Getting people to change anything takes Herculean effort. Trust me, love won't find a way. Does your wife have things to make her feel good about herself, independent of you? She needs a job and good friends or something that will give her self worth, so that she feels that she is contributing to the marriage, not feeding off of you. I would be happy to discuss this with anyone on a more personal level. Just give me a phone call. No emails, this is too heavy for emails. Incongruous as this may sound for a person who sells diamond engagement rings, I feel compelled to vent my spleen.

Here is a great joke: Herb called his friend Mo, and told him that he thought his wife Becky was dead. Mo said, "What are you talking about Herb, either she's dead or she's not!?" Herb replied, "Well, the sex is the same, but the dirty dishes are piling up in the sink!!"

For the gal that is reading this, think ahead fifteen years. The love of your life has a big pot belly and he is walking around the house breaking wind, or even worse, rolling around in his wheel chair yelling for supper.

Everyone should think about marriage very, very carefully.

An easy way to test the potential viability of a marriage is to ask each other what you are after in a mate. Then ask a friend if they think you are getting what you and your mate want. The nature of love is to rob you of reason. It is a narcotic. Make sure that you are both square with your expectations for marriage.

My son Jonathan, after carefully consulting with me, made a wise decision. He has taken the money from the engagement ring and decided to put it towards a Porsche convertible. He knows that foreign cars can be troublesome and expensive, but those worries pale in comparison to marriage!!!

Relationship Compatibility Test
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Carl and Rose Marcus
Wedding Day
In conclusion, regarding marriage, like the old 70's saying says, "Life's a bitch, and then you die". Some people equate marriage with slow painful death... Yikes! As any observant person knows, life is very harsh (disease, petulance, floods, famine, fires, etc.) To share all of the mishaps that the human animal encounters takes a lot of the loneliness and hardship out of life. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work in that direction. Often times, in marriage's worst case, it contributes to the cacophony. At any rate, these last six months, after being released from the ICU unit of the hospital, I have been damn glad that I'm married, and that my wife took the marriage vows seriously ("To have and to hold, through sickness and ill health"). Likewise, my step-son stayed the course at the helm of my business. Ok, in my case, being married was to my advantage.

The things that contribute to a good marriage are: 1.) Both parties are in good health. 2.) Both are willing to concede to each other's demands. 3.) Both being equal wage earners. 4.) Both being each other's intellectual equal. The trouble is, that if both have these attributes, why would they want to marry you? I saw Ted Turner the other day (we get our hair cut at the same hair dresser), he pulls into the lot, in about a 68' Ford, with a couple of slinky southern bells with skin tight jeans on, with him. I asked my hair dresser why he wasn't driving a nice car, and she replied "Because he doesn't have too." Caught up in the frenzy of the gossip, I asked her what does Jane drive? She replied, "A Mercedes convertible." Marriage is a horse race and a crap shoot. There is almost no sure way to guarantee a suitable fit. Yesterday a very dear client of mine, a neurologist from Sacramento, called me to inquire about my health, (Oh, by the way, don't ever ask an old Jew how his/her health is. You'll be in for a dissertation on the downsides of Medicare, and how improperly his/her family is treated, and of course, he'll tell you how expensive it is.), I asked him how his marriage was working out and he advised me that he is getting a divorce.  I asked him what happened, and he said he just doesn't know, exactly. It seems that after the excitement and newness of the marriage, they grew to hate each other! Now listen to this... You've heard the saying "Once worn, twice burnt", it seems he's getting married again. I thought it prudent for me to warn him about the financial holocaust that could happen to him and the pre-nuptial agreement that he didn't think he needed. I then asked him who had more money, he, or his future wife? He says, "Well, I have considerably more than she has." I then asked him what she did for a living. "She as attorney" he told me. I asked what she specialized in. "Family Law," he responded. "Family Law?!?!", I asked in amazement, "And there's no prenuptial?!? And you live in California, which is notorious for its one sidedness in dividing up possessions?!" "Doctor", I said. "What kind of fucking nut ball are you?! This is worse than unsafe sex!", "This is more dangerous than sitting on a public toilet seat, with those pain in the neck papers that you have to tear off and set down before you can sit down!" "This marriage is sure to be an accident about to happen." And of course, this putz wants a big diamond ring for her. I don't have the heart to make any kind of profit on this "holy" union.

People change mentally and physically. One year you think you have an Audrey Hepburn, and the next she turns into Roseanne Barr (Arnold). Women, go down to the local bowling alley and look at the wind breaking, beer drinking men yelling "Hey Girls!" They go through self indulgent reverse metamorphosis. You wake up one morning to realize that your beauty queen has become a mud wrestler. And guys, there are a lot of battered women in America. Why? Has O.J. been franchising? I'll tell you.  My first marriage, my wife gained a pound a week. This sexy, slender women who I once carried with ease over my modest threshold, now demanded the help of a fork lift. Don't belittle the horrible circumstances that can result in a bad marriage. Most police departments in the United States can attribute almost all of the Spousal Abuse with domestic strife, due to poor marriages. Are you going to bring children into this? My wife Naomi was busting out of her jeans not six months into the marriage! And for all of the horrors that I endured, because I was a young man in love, I have to pay her $600 a month for 10 years!!! I mean this marriage crap is worse than cancer. At least in many cancers there is a remission! There is no such thing as 50/50. Unless you want to say that there is a 50/50 chance of a marriage enduring.

Now lets talk about bringing children into this cesspool. I doubt there is hardly a man alive that understands the dramatic and prolonged change that's accompanied by child birth. Firstly, you're little poopsy snookems can barely give you half of her time. She probably wants this to be a "Modern Marriage", where you get up at 4am to change little Irving's diapers, after having him pee all over you because you picked him up to stop the wallpaper peeling howls. Of course, for the past month, sex hasn't been on her mind, you find yourself masturbating more than when you were single! This is happening all over America, its opening a new industry... marriage counseling! These would be counselors can use some serious counseling themselves. They are usually fruit cakes with bachelor degrees. They are pricey and usually end their reign by banging your wife! And if you're really lucky with children, I'll give you something to think about: Remember the Menendez boys? They blew mom and dad away because they wouldn't get them a Rolex! And then there are Ted Bundy's parents... talk about the holy sacrament of marriage!

Dear friend-

I hope that some of our philosophy and hints for living are a help to you in your daily life. If not, I at least hope that you found it amusing, and were not bored. We have gotten enough calls and letters to validate these passages. If you have read enough and are ready to move on, that is ok. Get your checkbook and click here to visit out main menu. Hopefully by now, you have realized that we are a different kind of company.

My very best regards,

Carl Kenneth Marcus

PS. Remember: proper nutrition, plenty of sleep, exercise, lots of water, and spend some money on your self! Remember:  life is not a dress rehearsal. Shalom.

A last word from the Chairman

Penniless schmuck from the Bronx makes good

Happiliy Married for over 40 Years!
Two of our Happy Clients
They have been Married for over 40 Years!
I've had some misgivings since I wrote this, particularly this Thursday, November 16th, as I round off my 65th year on Earth. The last 20 years that I spent with my wife Rose could have been a hell of a lot worse if it wasn't for her continual assistance and support. I love you dear! I wouldn't have had it any other way. But, you have to move slowly and carefully or be VERY lucky! And most of all, listen to your parents. This is probably one time they won't lead you wrong. They know more about this marriage crap than you do! They're living it! They've walked in your shoes. Maybe they have even done it in the back seat of a car!

I don't want to become too philosophical, but, tonight as I'm writing this, I think I'd like to recap the last 50 years. As I sit here in my beautiful home, typing away, I think of other Fall nights, living in a drafty tenement hoping that the super would send up some heat soon. I listened to the hushed and urgent voices of my mother and father complaining about their life and their lack of money.

Well, I'm a long way from money problems now. I have thousands of clients that I consider friends. I hope well into the next millennium I'll be servicing their watches, helping them dispose of jewelry that they no longer need, and one of these days soon, I'm going to tune up the old Rolls', dust off my credit cards, and see how many of you I can buy dinner for in a year! Because I'm truly tired of working! I surely hope that my son, some of my choice employees, and wife will carry on Capetown as I would have wanted them to. I haven't had a good vacation in about six years! I guess I really need that. Anyway, enough of this old man's nonsense. I truly want you to know, that from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for your trust in sending a stranger a huge some of money through the mail. God Bless all of you!

Your friend,

Carl Kenneth Marcus
Capetown Diamond Corporation

P.S. Keep trying for love and marriage! It's wonderful once you're there! It's worth the effort to make the grade. It beats money and things. A good friend in a love relationship is an enrichment to the soul. There ain't shit without that.

I have a very very dear friend that is a plastic surgeon in Newport Beach. He and I have stumbled the thorny path of marriage once to often. He said, Carl you have to remember, you have to bite your tongue! Show me a happily married man, and I'll show you a macerated lingus!